


I'm praying for the end of time so I can end my time with you

by Jus10D



Series: Secret lovers [2]
Category: Cycling RPF, cyclocross
Genre: M/M, affair, cyclocross - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-23 16:06:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20245570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jus10D/pseuds/Jus10D
Summary: Three years after their last hook up, Mathieu and Wout meet on a wedding.





	I'm praying for the end of time so I can end my time with you

**Author's Note:**

> Promt: “They told me I’d forget about you; that I’d move on but it’s been three years and here I am”

_“…We all just let Mathieu van der Poel have his way until it burns us down. And why? Because we love him. So in the end, I’ll always be the fool.” _

_“I got to go Mathieu. I hope you understand. I’ll always remember us this way. Keep care, I love you.” _

Wout his last words have had a very big impact on him. It had taken him a lot time that afternoon to get out of the loft and back home. He arrived home just after Roxanne, who of course was very suspicious. Mathieu knew he wasn’t acting as how he usually was and he couldn’t answer any of her questions. What was he supposed to say to her anyway? ‘_Sorry honey, I’ve been cheating on you, but don’t worry he just broke up with me. So I’m only a bit distant because I’m heartbroken.’_He didn’t want to lose Roxanne as well and he wasn’t going to hurt her so he let himself mourn for an evening. The next day he was back on his perfect boyfriend behaviour so she stopped asking questions after a while.

The only one he told about everything was David, because his brother had noticed that something was going on. Plus he deserved to know didn’t he, after covering up for him all those years. So on a long training ride Mathieu told him his biggest and best kept secret. “David, you know I asked you to cover up for a few appointments right?” Mathieu started a bit unsure, they had just begun a long training ride and were far from returning back home again. That gave him more than enough time to explain everything. “Are you finally going to tell me what that was about or do I need to lie for you again?” David sounded a bit bitter, but it characterised him that he wasn’t going to ask him anything that Mathieu didn’t want to tell.

“I had a relationship with Wout.” David didn’t really believe him at first and thought he was joking around but then Mathieu told him the full story. From when they first kissed through all their secret kisses and then their meet ups to the last time they got together.

Mathieu really wanted to get across his emotions and how he felt and how Wout had treated him and the love that had been there. Mathieu hadn’t been able to talk about it for years, not even with Wout. So he really needed to get it off his chest. Telling the story like that changed it from just this little flirt and hook up to a love story that had a very important place in Mathieu his life. He also needed David to understand, he needed him to understand so he would know why he did it. He didn’t want his own brother to think he was a bad person, even tough he has made some bad choices.

“You really got yourself in some trouble. Don’t blame Wout for the choice he’s made, he chose for his reality and his future and you have to do that as well." Mathieu just looked at him, he had kind of wished his brother was going to agree with him that he needed to fight to get Wout back, or something along those lines. So David his advice fell into silence. "I'm serious, Mathieu. You have to forget about him, you will move on.”

David was right he had to move on, and he did. Or at least he tried and he was happy. But he can’t seem to forget about what he had with Wout. How could he? They still saw each other every weekend at races. The years went on and he felt as if he wasn’t getting anything out of it. Everyone was going on with their lives, but Mathieu was not. He was still standing in the same place as he was when Wout left him. Still Roxanne at his side, but he hadn’t asked her to marry him yet and kids were far out of shot. He tried you know, he tried being more emotional available. But she was still so suspicious about what had happened that one afternoon, that he didn’t want her to get upset even more. So he went back to how it was before, which wasn’t perfect. So how does he expect for it to be perfect now, if nothing changed. Meanwhile Wout seems to have it all. Maybe Mathieu wasn't as happy as he thought, while Wout really seems to be the a good dad. And from what Mathieu can gather, Wout and Sarah really worked through it. 

Sometimes he wonders if he had finally told her. It would’ve been the smartest move for them, all cards on the table. But somewhere Mathieu wishes that he hasn’t, that he has had a part of Wout that no one knows about. That it was still a secret for his wive. That in a weird alternative universum they are still a thing, maybe there’s a universe where they are a couple. But it isn’t like that in this one and he just simply has to accept that. So he finally does try to be the adult that he had supposed to be years ago. He isn’t always going to have it his way, that’s a hard lesson to learn. That went well for a little while.

\---

It was at Joris Nieuwenhuis his wedding that Mathieu saw Wout again, they hadn't seen each other since the end of the season. Mathieu was there with Roxanne, so it was fine. That’s what he told himself, he wouldn’t have to talk to Wout anyway. That was until he got a bit too druk with Wietse and David during dinner and Roxanne didn’t want to dance with him anymore after. He felt a bit lost when she had pushed him away from her. So when he look around him and saw Wout walk out of the room, he didn’t need 2 seconds to think.

“Hey wait up!”

Mathieu was running towards him. He saw Wout stopping in his tracks, looking surprised behind him. “Hey everything ok?” Wout asked, he was still as soft and gentle as Mathieu remembers him. “Not really” Wout smiled pitiful and crossed the little distance to take Mathieu in his arms. It was everything Mathieu didn't know he needed in that moment. After a few seconds he pulled back to see, Mathieu couldn't help himself and let his hand linger on Wout his hip. He hated how it felt so familiair, it shouldn't feel as something he missed.

“I was on my way out to catch some fresh air, fancy walking with me?” Mathieu wasn’t going to turn around and walk inside, of course he wanted to be alone with Wout for a bit. So he nodded and followed him. Instead of going outside via the front door of the venue, Wout chose one of the side entrances. Mathieu wondered why he’d made that choice, but wasn’t going to ask about it. It meant he could talk to Wout without the chance of anyone walking in on them. He didn’t mind that.

“Girlfriend troubles?” Wout was leaning against the wall and looking over the lit up gardens. “Ah, nothing I’m not used to.” The cold air hitting his face helps him sobering up a little bit, but he couldn't help bit feel like in a haze. Mathieu sits down on the steps, leaning his elbows on his knees. Hiding his head in his hands “I learned that sometimes, they just have to get their way.” Wout's advice sounded as just a way to cheer up Mathieu. He looked up at the older man. “I’d be nice to also have my way every now and then.” It wasn’t as bad as Mathieu made it seem, Wout will understand. “Your day will come my friend.” There was a small silence. After all they were just acquaintances that weren’t supposed to know each other that well. “

How’s the small one doing?” Wout his face lit up. “They say you don’t know love until you become a parent. She’s our little princes, if you’d ask Sarah she’ll say that I spoil her too much.” He let out a chuckle, he really was happy. “I probably do. But don’t tell her I said that.”

“Happy looks good on you.” It fell quiet again after that. "I wish I could see it on you too, you know. Happiness” Mathieu let go of a breath that he didn’t know he was holding.

“I miss you” he whispered, he didn’t dare to look at Wout so he kept his eyes on the ground in front of him. Wout kept silent so Mathieu weighed his words before saying them out loud.

“They told me I’d forget about you; that I’d move on but it’s been three years and here I am” Mathieu shook his head during the silence that followed “Nevermind, I shouldn’t have said that. Don’t know why I told you that, you don’t deserve this.” Mathieu looked up for the first time now and saw Wout his hand was hovering above his shoulder, a hand he moved to go through his hair when Mathieu his eyes were on his.

“You shouldn’t have.” Wout didn’t sound angry tough. He sounded concerned. “You shouldn’t have said that.” he continued, now carefully laying his hand on Mathieu his shoulder and giving it a squeeze. “But, I’d lie if I said that I don’t feel the same way.” Wout sat down next to Mathieu.

“We’re going to start lying to each other now too?” Wout scoffed at Mathieu his words. “You’re like the only one I’ve never lied to.” Mathieu put his hand on top of Wout’s who lay on his thigh. Wout turned his hand around to intertwine their finger, it felt as if he did it on instinct. “It’s really hard sitting back and seeing you doing so great in life, seeing so happy. All of that knowing it could’ve been me, I could’ve been up there with you.” Wout sighed and lay his head on Mathieu his shoulder, he’d missed the warmth of the older man around him. “Shut up, this isn’t going to change anything.” “This is what got us here, you know. We never talked. Never thought we could change anything. Never told each other what we really were thinking. Too afraid of the consequences. Why can’t we change this now?”

“Big talk coming from you Mathieu van der Poel.” Wout did have a point. If anyone is to blame that they never actually moved on, it’s probably him. “I love you and I will never stop loving you.” Wout sat up straight again, his words didn't match his actions. “But what happened isn’t going to change now. I’m not leaving my wife, I’m not going back to cheating on her with you. I don’t want to be that guy anymore. Even if that means giving up on you.” Wout kissed the back of Mathieu his hand before standing up and dusting off his pants.

“You’re leaving me again are you?” He sounded very desperate, of course he did. He finally got a taste again of what he has been missing, should he really let it go down without a fight now?“I chose for my happiness, you should too Mathieu.” Wout wasn't buying it and walked back inside.

Mathieu felt as if nothing has changed since that one afternoon years ago. Mathieu had put his heart on the line for Wout to walk out on him and go back to his wife. 3 years ago he waited till he knew what he was doing before he left, that’s what he should’ve done today aswel. But the wine was stronger than he thought and he went back in only a minute after Wout. The anger was rising up and he knew he should calm down. He shouldn't have gone back because when he did he only saw happy people. It just didn’t feel right, he just had his heart broken all over again and no one knew or cared.

David was the first one he spotted, dancing with his fiancé. He waved at Mathieu when he came up to him. Mathieu ignored all the weird looks he got and took the wine glass out of his brother his hands, downing it in one go. He really wasn’t feeling great, he felt as if he was going to explode right there and then. “Are you doing ok there, Mathieu?” Anne-lore asked, she sounded concerned. But it was going to take a lot more than that to keep him from doing stupid stuff. Why wasn’t anyone stopping him from doing stupid things? He looked around him while also downing Anne-lore’s Gin and Tonic, only slightly wincing when the alcohol burned in the back of his throat. He saw Wout dancing with his wife, laughing and whispering in her ear. Acting as if he’s the husband of the year, well her husband just broke another man's heart. Why isn't anyone stopping Wout?

Mathieu lost it there and then. All filters were gone and only anger played up. It was as if someone else was doing it when he walked up towards Wout. But it really was happening wasn’t it? “You chose your happiness Wout and now I get to choose mine.” He shouldn’t have done it. Especially since he pushed Wout’s wife out of the way and they were standing in the middle of the dance floor. Everyone had gone quiet when Mathieu grabbed Wout his face and kissed him.

“See Wout, now we can be on the bottom together.” Mathieu looked him in the eyes now anger has left his system. Wout his eyes showed pure panic, now Mathieu knows for sure that he hadn't told Sarah about them. Hurt took over and Mathieu couldn’t even stand to look at him. Wout had pulled him closer taking him in his arms again, trying to calm him down. As if it wasn’t a bit late for that. He shouldn't fall for this, Wout's always done this. He has always looked out for Mathieu and every time he left him after. “Coward!” Mathieu said as he pushed him away and ran out of the room. He kept on running when he was outside, he was at least a couple of blocks away when he realised he wasn’t running anywhere to. He had nowhere to go. Leave it to Mathieu van der Poel to fuck up everything good going on in his life.


End file.
